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Dreading those potential disagreements over politics, culture, and other issues that might come up at the dinner table? Here are 10 principles from Proverbs that will help you engage in lively conversation without losing your Christian witness.
“All I wanted to do was argue.” So said a student enrolled in my public university course titled “Argumentative Writing.” He was surprised, “caught off guard,” as he put it, that the course’s first two sessions were on “Humility” and “Charity.”
During “Humility,” I taught that our arguments should be gracious, considerate, and careful to represent other ideas with accuracy, while in “Charity” I emphasized that communication is a community-based, convivial, invitational work of intellectual hospitality.
Turns out, many students had assumed that a course on argumentation would teach them how to engage in — and win — a knock-down, drag-out verbal brawl. My teaching was based on listening, care for others, and broad-mindedness, concepts these students didn’t associate with arguing.
As we head into the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season on the heels of yet another divisive election season, the chances of a quiet disagreement or a loud argument breaking out at the dinner table are likely high. But it’s important for Christians to remember that the goal of fellowship, conversation, and even friendly debate with friends and family who may hold different points of view isn’t to “own” or “crush” them for having the “wrong” takes on current events or major issues.
Those who know me well would understand why I always take a non-combative approach to persuasion. Though I enjoy conversation and discussion, I don’t like conflict and I don’t like to argue in anger. But unbeknownst to students, my approach in the class was not based on my own personality but upon biblical truths.
A careful study of Proverbs sets the tone of dialogue. Proverbs 15:33, for example, says,
“The fear of the Lord is instruction in wisdom and humility comes before honor.”
And as for charity, Proverbs 15:23 is clear:
“To make an apt answer is a joy to a man and a word in season, how good it is!”
Christians should carefully consider graciousness in our conversations rather than an argumentative spirit. Don’t forget that at Jesus’s first public reading of Scripture (Luke 4:22), it was said of His hearers,
“They marveled at the gracious words coming from his mouth.”
Conflict and disagreement are important in life, but our argumentation should be woven with humility and charity.
But what if “humility” and “charity” are not practiced by others, like our friends, neighbors, or family? And what if we know we’ll be spending time with friends and family over the holidays who do not agree with our religious, political, or cultural viewpoints?
It should be clear that Christians are not to use approaches that others may find appropriate, such as defamation, slander, or outright lying about a person or situation. We are not to hate anyone as our “warfare is not against flesh or blood but against principalities and powers” (Eph 6:11). And we should remember that some people who disagree with us have honest differences, which we’ll realize if we listen (Prov 18:17).
With respect to table conversation, it may be best to practice the following wisdom from Proverbs, or what I call “The 10 Proverbial Principles to Avoid Thanksgiving Indigestion”:
1. Restraint outdoes complaint (Prov 10:19; 17:27). “Many words” may make us say something we’ll regret. Self-control is better than losing control. Hasty talk is foolish (29:20) and Scripture says that a person will be “thrown down” in defeat (10:8, 10:10). In short, toning down your rhetoric may stop a fight before it starts.
2. Righteous speech has great worth (Prov 10:20). A tongue of “choice silver” means a person has carefully chosen his or her words. Choosing words carefully is the mark of virtue (Prov 31:10) because it helps guard against hurting, irritating, or smearing someone else.
3. Providing good fruit sets a good table. Find ways to feed others. Proverbs tells us that our words can be a “well of life” (10:11) and a “tree of life” (15:4). Words that honor, esteem, praise, and encourage are better received than combative language. Find a way to bring “life giving words” (18:4) to dinner.
4. Bite your tongue, or it may bite you. When tempers flare, someone is sure to be burned (Prov 14:29). And if you’re too “hasty” with your words, the end result may not be pretty (Prov 29:20).
5. Better to be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt (Prov 17:28). Opening one’s mouth may reveal what’s on one’s mind (18:2), which is not always best. Measure your words by silence (11:12; 17:28).
6. Winning a battle may cost the war, but overlooking a transgression wins the day (Prov 16:32; 19:11). Bringing up old wounds (18:4) can break a spirit (15:4), but good words can heal (12:18; 16:24).
7. Anger is not a sin, but a calm spirit (Prov 15:1) may do more if anger is concealed (Prov 12:16). On the contrary, a “whisperer” may just add fuel to the embers of anger (26:20), breaking relationships (16:28).
8. Speaking without discernment “belittles a neighbor” and often “lacks sense” (Prov 11:12). Translated to today’s environment, this means that thoughtlessly popping off on social media is a bad source of knowledge and communication. Proverbs 11:9 clarifies, “With his mouth the godless man would destroy his neighbor.” In our day, “neighbor” can mean “friends” on any digital platform; we can toss a lot of destructive bombs from behind a screen. By contrast, the second part of that Proverb says that restraint in our words “delivers” knowledge and understanding.
9. Guarding your mouth and tongue keeps a person “out of trouble” (Prov 21:23). The word “trouble” suggests intense internal distress, something that everyone wants to “escape” (12:13). Everyone knows or has experienced that arrogant, know-it-all person who creates “indigestion” at the dinner table (21:24).
10. Less is more. You don’t have to say everything you know. Saying few words is considered wise (Prov 10:19; 12:13; 14:3; 17:27, 28; 18:21), so make it a point to consider putting “your hand over your mouth” (30:32), both metaphorically and, if necessary, physically.
The emphasis in this article should be clear: While Christians should always speak truth, they should also think before they speak and speak in love and kindness. When we aggravate or inflame a situation, the only thing gained is continued aggravation of everyone at the table. Swallowing your words at Thanksgiving may avoid indigestion for everyone else.
Dr. Mark Eckel is executive director of the Center for Biblical Integration at Liberty University. He previously taught in the humanities at IU Indianapolis, a public university. This article was adapted from “A Biblical View of Arguing” at MarkEckel.com.
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